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The thought of me growing old is coupled with strong emotional breakdowns and episodes of acute dramatization from the mere thought that one day I could wake up and find a strand of gray hair wiggling its way into the world and that scares every icy nerve on my body! I’ve always been one to make a big deal about the future so much so that I forget to take each day for what it is. Perhaps my greatest weakness and the reason I’m so hard on myself. With every post I choose to put up, I leave a little of myself between the lines. Today for a change I was hoping to channel my vulnerable side – over the past couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with the idea that life just isn’t as guaranteed as I imagined. Having sent my CV around to so many different organisations and getting little to no feedback has been wearing heavy on me. The idea that I’m not good enough brought me close to tears and had me spending a couple of days wrapped up in bed contemplating what mistakes I’d made along the way. Being a perfectionist, it’s hard not to overthink these things especially when nothing resembles this grande plan you had all mapped out, so definite, precise, meticulously thought out.
The best part about having a strong support system is having friends and family that are quick to highlight reality from a different perspective which made me understand that sometimes it’s not because of something you did. Sometimes life has this mystical way of playing out that only makes sense later and maybe the reason nothing seems to be working out now is precisely because nothing should work out as I imagined. Confusing? I know but if you read it again and again until it resonates I promise it makes sense. Taking calculated steps towards tackling each day as it comes starting with this little edit I borrowed from thisisess
Making: a detailed to do list for the week, month, year after realizing just how fast the year is going and how little I seem to be accomplishing towards my goals.
Eating/ Craving: a yummy plate of chicken wings and fries from Sierra. Anyone up for a treat?
Drinking: this green smoothie I just made to give me a kick before my morning workout routine.
Reading: this Forbes article. You’ve gotta source for a little motivation every so often.
Wanting: nothing but a tidal account because Beyonce!
Playing: one dance by Drake which just so happens to be the soundtrack to my entire life ( well at least for now).
Wasting: no time penning down some major ideas and concepts for this boom.com project we are working on with the bestie.
Allowing: myself to feel like a kid again. Sometimes you just don’t realize the magnitude to which we let life and overriding factors dictate who we are and spend so much time obsessing and following rules that we forget to really live!
Creating: a budget
Wishing: that we had a Zara store. I just cleared out my closet and now doubling between two pairs of jeans wondering where to start in between responsibilities and chasing trends.
Enjoying: tamutamus by Bitez. I never leave the store without a pack these days and the fact that they are baked not fried makes me a repeat offender.
Wondering: why I didn’t make a decision to transition to natural hair centuries ago. Honestly in awe at how fast and healthy my tresses seem to be growing.
Loving: the idea that no matter how challenging life can be at one particular time, the pain and struggle is only for a season. Tomorrow makes for an opportunity to create better memories.
Hoping: that 2016 will be kind to me.
Marveling: at just how beautiful and privileged our country is. Spent the better part of the weekend touring the Nairobi National Park. Such a treat.
Smelling: ginger! Lots of ginger!
Wearing: two strand twists unapologetically.
Following: a lot more make up vlogs on YouTube and wondering how a little concealer takes you to a complete 100 in 0.2 seconds.
Noticing: that my love for ice cream could potentially be the death of me.
Knowing: that happiness takes a deliberate effort in every aspect of your life. Find happiness in the simplest of things – could be a glass of milk for breakfast or stalking Chris Brown on Instagram…whichever way, it only matters what it makes you feel.
Feeling: green and the thought of going to hospital gives me goosebumps.
Bookmarking: my graduation date…May 27th.
Opening: up to the idea that life will eventually work out and sometimes plans don’t necessarily go as planned.
Giggling: at Ellen Degeneres’ scene from ‘The People v O.J Simpson‘ FX Series.
Feeling: overwhelmed and a little lightheaded from the amount of love, joy and adventure I received and got to share this past week with my friends. Best birthday week ever!
So much love,
Pics by Shawn Kairigo.